One sentence/ Correction

One sentence/ Correction
Message from airis posted on 07-02-2017 at 23:42:08 (D | E | F)
Dear friends
I am trying to improve my writing skills and wrote the sentence below, can you please evaluate the sentence from a native perspective?
Thanks in advance ,

"The fundamental principle of veterinary science education is to raise conciseness about animal health care issues and animal welfare, ethic problems among veterinarian candidates."

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Edited by lucile83 on 08-02-2017 07:11

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Re: One sentence/ Correction from gerondif, posted on 08-02-2017 at 00:26:43 (D | E)
Hello,
It is a long sentence, you need a five-litre lung capacity to read it through !
Did you mean conciseness or consciousness ?
"The fundamental principle of veterinary science education is to raise conciseness(consciousness?) about animal health care issues and animal welfare, ethic problems among veterinarian candidates."

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Re: One sentence/ Correction from soei, posted on 17-02-2017 at 07:48:33 (D | E)
Hi.
I also think it is very long . The reader misses the aim of the sentence and also it's meaning during the reading it. Please rewrite.
It's the first and most important problem.
Have a nice time with my answer!

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Re: One sentence/ Correction from phil512, posted on 06-03-2017 at 12:35:18 (D | E)
Hello airis
I'll join the club of the other contributors. You'd better make shorter sentences.
Or, if you really want to keep this long one , and if I understand your ideas correctly , there might be a structural problem : use a comma after each matter (theme) and use (move) "and" before the last one.
Wish you the best !

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Re: One sentence/ Correction from zilazila, posted on 06-03-2017 at 12:35:45 (D | E)
Hello,
Your sentence is too long to read as one sentence. You should change and write two sentences.
xxx

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Edited by lucile83 on 06-03-2017 14:58

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