Correction/Desert Island
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Message de rachel971 posté le 21-02-2016 à 13:15:57 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Mon sujet est "Imagine you are on a desert Island" ... On doit surtout et presque utiliser du present perfect ou du prétérit..
Pourriez-vous me corriger si possible?
Merci d'avance
My name is Rachel, I have 21, I am native of Guadeloupe and I like my roots and especially the sun. I wanted to travel during 1 year. Guadeloupe was my destination at first, when I was on the boat and when the captain said: " there are far too many waves ", from the I understood that me life was going to be a real nightmare
We had all failed on this island, we were hungry fear and especially we were hungry, but each made proof of courage to arrive there, the captain had explained to us to 2 girls and I, that he was not able to check the boat and that the ship sank
We were thus shipwrecked on this unknown island. I had no notion of time, one month had certainly spent and one it was adapted. We survived thanks to a Swiss army knife and a first-aid kit which had Mike.
Alternately we fetched coconuts and peach tree of the fishes, we were sick at the beginning because it is another food and another climate: the sun shone so much that tore away the shell of the tortoises to make us shelters. We eventually ate the tortoises with the fire which we made thanks to stones, knife and seaweeds.
Every evening I thought of my family, to see them smiles did good to me, I was happy but maintaining I am worried and I am really lacking.
All day long we wrote letters in giant on the ground with the sand, we made some smoke but nothing, any manners no boat nor plane not go through it.
At night of March 26th, we saw a lady on the cliff of the island taking photos of the magnificent landscape. I ran towards her, and I he is asked where from she came. She simply told us: " I come on the other side of this island, where there is the biggest of volcanoes and many hotels, how long are you stay on this side of the island? " " For a long time to tell you that it is horrible, thank you for your help "
At this moment, I had died from shame, we had lost 26 days on this island...
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Modifié par lucile83 le 21-02-2016 14:58
Message de rachel971 posté le 21-02-2016 à 13:15:57 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
Mon sujet est "Imagine you are on a desert Island" ... On doit surtout et presque utiliser du present perfect ou du prétérit..
Pourriez-vous me corriger si possible?
Merci d'avance
My name is Rachel, I have 21, I am native of Guadeloupe and I like my roots and especially the sun. I wanted to travel during 1 year. Guadeloupe was my destination at first, when I was on the boat and when the captain said: " there are far too many waves ", from the I understood that me life was going to be a real nightmare
We had all failed on this island, we were hungry fear and especially we were hungry, but each made proof of courage to arrive there, the captain had explained to us to 2 girls and I, that he was not able to check the boat and that the ship sank
We were thus shipwrecked on this unknown island. I had no notion of time, one month had certainly spent and one it was adapted. We survived thanks to a Swiss army knife and a first-aid kit which had Mike.
Alternately we fetched coconuts and peach tree of the fishes, we were sick at the beginning because it is another food and another climate: the sun shone so much that tore away the shell of the tortoises to make us shelters. We eventually ate the tortoises with the fire which we made thanks to stones, knife and seaweeds.
Every evening I thought of my family, to see them smiles did good to me, I was happy but maintaining I am worried and I am really lacking.
All day long we wrote letters in giant on the ground with the sand, we made some smoke but nothing, any manners no boat nor plane not go through it.
At night of March 26th, we saw a lady on the cliff of the island taking photos of the magnificent landscape. I ran towards her, and I he is asked where from she came. She simply told us: " I come on the other side of this island, where there is the biggest of volcanoes and many hotels, how long are you stay on this side of the island? " " For a long time to tell you that it is horrible, thank you for your help "
At this moment, I had died from shame, we had lost 26 days on this island...
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 21-02-2016 14:58
Réponse: Correction/Desert Island de darkness18, postée le 21-02-2016 à 17:18:56 (S | E)
Bonjour, voici la correction du premier paragraphe :
My name is Rachel, I have (Je suis sûr que tu aurais pu éviter ça) 21, I am native of Guadeloupe (reformulez) and I like my roots and especially the sun (C'est vraiment bizarre quand la phrase s'arrête ici, tu peux rajouter "there" où dire que tu aimes le fait qu'il y ait beaucoup de soleil). I wanted to travel during (Mauvais mot pour designer une durée) 1 year. Guadeloupe was my destination at first, when I was on the boat and when the captain said: " there are far too many waves ", from the (???) I understood that me (Pronom possessif !) life was going to be a real nightmare.
Essayez de corriger ces fautes avant de passer à la suite.
Bonne journée
Darkness18
Réponse: Correction/Desert Island de rachel971, postée le 21-02-2016 à 19:15:19 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup, j'ai déjà reformulé tout ça, je pense m'en sortir un peu plus:
My name is Rachel, I am 21 years old, I am French and i was born in Guadeloupe and I like my roots and the sun there.
I wanted to travel since 1 year. My destination was the Guadeloupe, i will talk about my terrible story.
when I was on the boat and when the captain said: " there are far too many waves ", I understood that my life was going to be a real nightmare.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 21-02-2016 20:17
Réponse: Correction/Desert Island de darkness18, postée le 21-02-2016 à 22:49:48 (S | E)
Bonsoir, pas besoin de me remercier, je suis là pour ça
C'est déjà mieux mais il manque des
My name is Rachel, I am 21 years old, I am French and i (Majuscule) was born in Guadeloupe and I like my roots and the fact that it is always sunny in Guadeloupe.
I wanted to travel since (Toujours pas, si tu veux dire "il y'a un an" emploie "ago" si tu veux dire "pendant un an" emploie "for" 1 year. My destination was the Guadeloupe, and through this text i (Majuscule) will talk about my terrible story.
when I was on the boat and when the captain said: " there are far too many waves ", I understood that my life was going to be a real nightmare.
J'ai rajouté des éléments pour accentuer la fluidité du texte, à toi de jouer maintenant
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Modifié par lucile83 le 22-02-2016 05:48
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