Correction/lettre motivation
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Message de kahben posté le 25-04-2014 à 21:53:25 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
Je suis en train de postuler pour un master, et il m'est demandé de rédiger une lettre de motivation en anglais. Mon niveau à l'écrit n'étant pas du tout exceptionnel, j'aimerais une petite correction avant de l'envoyer.
Voici le texte :
In few month, I’m going to finish my bachelor’s degree, so, I’m looking for a master degree.
I could integrate the master degree in cognitive sciences of Lyon, but I need to discover and go into new domain in depth. If I was lucky to be accepted in your license degree, I will be very exciting by this challenge. I’m a passionate person and I invested at the most into the tasks which I begin, that is why I know that would not fail these two years. Furthermore I enjoy to learn new things, that’s why I prefer the difficulty of a new master: I want to make my own way.
My school career permit me to acquire a lot of knowledge and some skills in computer sciences, particularly in neural network and in establishment of pattern. I learned the programming in the processing language and I realized an object-oriented project. Moreover, to complete my knowledge, I have completed (on COURSERA) the course introduction to programming in java and I actually follow the courses entitled introduction to object oriented programming in java, machine learning of university of Standford and neural network for machine learning of university of Toronto. I also plan to follow courses to learn C++.
The bachelor’s degree in cognitive sciences brought me a large general culture in different domains like neurosciences, cognitive psychology, psychobiology, neuropsychology, cognitive ethology, web and cognitive ergonomics. This multidisciplinary approach allowed me to acquire an open-mindedness which seems very important to solve different problems. Besides, I’m able to discuss with actors from different backgrounds. I think this ability is very helpful in machine learning which is at the crossroads of a lot of fields of study.
After my master degree, I would like accomplish a thesis binder machine learning, data mining and cognitive sciences. I’m passionate by artificial intelligence and data processing, I’m very curious to learn more about how to implement some learning ability in robots as Icub. Actually I’m very interested in construction of curiosity in robots so that they can discover and learn about the world through trail and error approach.
However, I want ton reflect on my project until the second year of the master because I have many things to discover, so it’s likely to change.
Best regards,
Merci pour votre aide :-)
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Modifié par lucile83 le 25-04-2014 23:09
Message de kahben posté le 25-04-2014 à 21:53:25 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
Je suis en train de postuler pour un master, et il m'est demandé de rédiger une lettre de motivation en anglais. Mon niveau à l'écrit n'étant pas du tout exceptionnel, j'aimerais une petite correction avant de l'envoyer.
Voici le texte :
In few month, I’m going to finish my bachelor’s degree, so, I’m looking for a master degree.
I could integrate the master degree in cognitive sciences of Lyon, but I need to discover and go into new domain in depth. If I was lucky to be accepted in your license degree, I will be very exciting by this challenge. I’m a passionate person and I invested at the most into the tasks which I begin, that is why I know that would not fail these two years. Furthermore I enjoy to learn new things, that’s why I prefer the difficulty of a new master: I want to make my own way.
My school career permit me to acquire a lot of knowledge and some skills in computer sciences, particularly in neural network and in establishment of pattern. I learned the programming in the processing language and I realized an object-oriented project. Moreover, to complete my knowledge, I have completed (on COURSERA) the course introduction to programming in java and I actually follow the courses entitled introduction to object oriented programming in java, machine learning of university of Standford and neural network for machine learning of university of Toronto. I also plan to follow courses to learn C++.
The bachelor’s degree in cognitive sciences brought me a large general culture in different domains like neurosciences, cognitive psychology, psychobiology, neuropsychology, cognitive ethology, web and cognitive ergonomics. This multidisciplinary approach allowed me to acquire an open-mindedness which seems very important to solve different problems. Besides, I’m able to discuss with actors from different backgrounds. I think this ability is very helpful in machine learning which is at the crossroads of a lot of fields of study.
After my master degree, I would like accomplish a thesis binder machine learning, data mining and cognitive sciences. I’m passionate by artificial intelligence and data processing, I’m very curious to learn more about how to implement some learning ability in robots as Icub. Actually I’m very interested in construction of curiosity in robots so that they can discover and learn about the world through trail and error approach.
However, I want ton reflect on my project until the second year of the master because I have many things to discover, so it’s likely to change.
Best regards,
Merci pour votre aide :-)
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 25-04-2014 23:09
Réponse: Correction/lettre motivation de bluduck2, postée le 26-04-2014 à 09:36:37 (S | E)
Hello kahben!
Suggestions de corrections
ligne 1 :"month" au pluriel ; futur simple plutôt que "I am going to " ;a master's degree;
ligne 2 voc trouvez un autre verbe que 'integrate" ;gr: vous faites une hypothèse, employez le conditionnel
ligne 3 voc :"exciting" veut dire passionnant, ,vous êtes "excited[/"/thrilled/
[ temps du verbe "to invest" et oubli du pronom personnel
ligne 4[/noir to enjoy (verbe de sentiment) est suivi du verb+ing
ligne 5 voc :cherchez le verbe "permettre" dans le sens de "rendre capable"
Je suggère de mettre des guillemets à "licence" et à "java"
ligne 12 voc : pour "domaine" d'études ,préférez "area"
ligne 13 voc plutôt que "passionate" ;vous êtes "interested in..." ,"very keen on..."
ligne 14 Voulez vous dire "effectivement (=actually) ou "actuellemnent"(=presently)?
L'une de vos dernières phrases s'arrête à "so" .Il doit manquer un segment ?
I hope this helps !!
Bluduck2
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