Essay/Correction
Forum > English only || BottomEssay/Correction
Message from dlsur posted on 10-08-2012 at 17:26:30 (D | E | F)
Hello everyone.
I have written another essay about violent video games ( what is your opinion on this topic ? ) and I would be grateful for the correction.
Thanks for your answers.
Do violent games cause behavior problems ?.
Could violent games cause behavior problems ?. Personally, I do not belive that I think that there are another causes that can affect in the behavior problems.
In the first place, when we analyze behavior problems we have to start with the social environment where the subject or subjects that we are analyzing developed their lives. For instance, when someone comes from a social environment with serious violence problems like, poor neigborhoods, dysfuntional families or broken families and something more extreme like countries in war or civil war. Moreover next to these situations can usually find another problems like, drugs, alcoholism, protitution, child prostitution, or pedophilia. All of this of course can seriously affect to someone to a large extent that a violent video game.
In addition to this, the education that we get whether they be at the school or ethic and moral education, is something that we need to consider because is very important and can directly affect our behavior within our society.
However, video games can cause behavior problems, but I am inclined to belive that if we analyze a violent video games player with behavior problems, could probably find one or some problems before refered. Therefore we could find in this subject just a mental health problem.
In conclusion. I strongly belive that violent video games do not involve that who plays violent video games is going to have problems, but I think that who has behavior problems, he should not to play with this kind of video games.
-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 10-08-2012 18:36
Message from dlsur posted on 10-08-2012 at 17:26:30 (D | E | F)
Hello everyone.
I have written another essay about violent video games ( what is your opinion on this topic ? ) and I would be grateful for the correction.
Thanks for your answers.
Do violent games cause behavior problems ?.
Could violent games cause behavior problems ?. Personally, I do not belive that I think that there are another causes that can affect in the behavior problems.
In the first place, when we analyze behavior problems we have to start with the social environment where the subject or subjects that we are analyzing developed their lives. For instance, when someone comes from a social environment with serious violence problems like, poor neigborhoods, dysfuntional families or broken families and something more extreme like countries in war or civil war. Moreover next to these situations can usually find another problems like, drugs, alcoholism, protitution, child prostitution, or pedophilia. All of this of course can seriously affect to someone to a large extent that a violent video game.
In addition to this, the education that we get whether they be at the school or ethic and moral education, is something that we need to consider because is very important and can directly affect our behavior within our society.
However, video games can cause behavior problems, but I am inclined to belive that if we analyze a violent video games player with behavior problems, could probably find one or some problems before refered. Therefore we could find in this subject just a mental health problem.
In conclusion. I strongly belive that violent video games do not involve that who plays violent video games is going to have problems, but I think that who has behavior problems, he should not to play with this kind of video games.
-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 10-08-2012 18:36
Re: Essay/Correction from notrepere, posted on 13-08-2012 at 03:09:17 (D | E)
HelloMany of your sentences are too long and don't make any sense. The first task is to correct the spelling errors and shorten the sentences into single ideas. You can always make the sentences longer once have coherent ideas.
For instance:
Personally, I do not belive
(spelling) that. I think that there are another causes
(not the best word; try 'factors') that can affect in the behavior problems(this doesn't work: perhaps 'that can affect a person's behavior').Re: Essay/Correction from dlsur, posted on 13-08-2012 at 11:59:40 (D | E)
Hello
I have made the spelling correction and I have removed some words , but I don't Know if I have to delate somthing more or I need comas , I am not sure but if I am wrong in my interpretación please correct my again.
Thanks for your time and explanations.
Do violent games cause behavior problems?.
Could violent games cause behavior problems ?. Personally, I do not believe that I think that there are other factors that can affect person's behavior's problems.
In the first place, when we analyze behavior problems, we have to start with the social environment where the subject or subjects developed their lives. For instance, when someone comes from a social environment with serious violence problems like, poor neighborhoods, dysfunctional families, and something more extreme like countries in war. Moreover, next to these situations can usually find other problems like, drugs, alcoholism, prostitution, child prostitution, or pedophilia. All this, of course can seriously affect to someone to a large extent that a violent video game.
In addition to this, the education that we get whether they be at the school or ethic education in our family, is something that we need to consider, because is very important and can directly affect our behavior within our society.
However, video games can cause behavior problems, but I am inclined to believe that if we analyze a violent video games player with behavior problems, could probably find one or some problems before refered. Therefore, we could find in this subject just a mental health problem.
In conclusion. I strongly believe that violent video games do not involve that who plays violent video games are going to have problems, but I think that who has behavior problems, he should not to play with this kind of video games.
Forum > English only
