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Correction/au pair
Message de ades44 posté le 09-07-2009 à 00:03:31 (S | E | F)
Très important SVP : je vais chercher une famille anglophone pour partir en tant que jeune fille au pair mais je ne souhaite pas publier ma présentation tant qu'elle n'est pas parfaite. Alors, je cherche quelqu'un qui aurait la gentillesse de corriger le texte ci dessous : Merci beaucoup pour votre aide!!!
Dear Family,
If I am here today it is because I look for a welcoming and pleasant family which will be to make me discover its culture, its values...
I appear...
My name is .., I am 21 years old and I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. (19, 28 and 32 years). I lived in .., it is a beautiful city situated in the West of France.
I have hardly just obtained my diploma to become commercial. (HND Diploma)
I realized him in alternation in a company which markets mattresses with water.
I and the children
I am someone very dynamic, funny, generous and thoughtful, who likes very much the children. I like taking charge of them. Moreover I take charge regularly of those of my aunt and of my brother. They have between 3 and 11 years.
I have a very good contact with the children and I like realizing diverse activities with them as for example the drawing, the cooking, the sport...
Then I am ready to spoil your children!
My hobbies
I above all like travelling to meet new persons and discover the other cultures.
Moreover I leave soon for Tunisia for two weeks of holidays to the inhabitant.
Furthermore, I like making of the shopping, going to the cinema, the lira books and having a practice regularly of the sport (tennis, swimming…)
But I have a big defect…I am very greedy!
In fact, I like cooking and pleasing the persons who I love !
So my objective is to create a real link with the family.
For me to be an au pair girl it is the luck which I do not want to miss!
I wish to be au pair because it is an opportunity to create an exchange and to discover another country. It is also the opportunity for me to perfect my English.
Indeed I hope by coming back from this journey to be able to speak English usually to exercise afterward the profession by commercial export.
So once brought in in France I would welcome with the biggest enjoyment my family (can you be?) in France to make you discover my magnificent country.
Then do not hesitate to contact me, I would answer you with the biggest pleasure !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-07-2009 06:32
Message de ades44 posté le 09-07-2009 à 00:03:31 (S | E | F)
Très important SVP : je vais chercher une famille anglophone pour partir en tant que jeune fille au pair mais je ne souhaite pas publier ma présentation tant qu'elle n'est pas parfaite. Alors, je cherche quelqu'un qui aurait la gentillesse de corriger le texte ci dessous : Merci beaucoup pour votre aide!!!
Dear Family,
If I am here today it is because I look for a welcoming and pleasant family which will be to make me discover its culture, its values...
I appear...
My name is .., I am 21 years old and I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. (19, 28 and 32 years). I lived in .., it is a beautiful city situated in the West of France.
I have hardly just obtained my diploma to become commercial. (HND Diploma)
I realized him in alternation in a company which markets mattresses with water.
I and the children
I am someone very dynamic, funny, generous and thoughtful, who likes very much the children. I like taking charge of them. Moreover I take charge regularly of those of my aunt and of my brother. They have between 3 and 11 years.
I have a very good contact with the children and I like realizing diverse activities with them as for example the drawing, the cooking, the sport...
Then I am ready to spoil your children!
My hobbies
I above all like travelling to meet new persons and discover the other cultures.
Moreover I leave soon for Tunisia for two weeks of holidays to the inhabitant.
Furthermore, I like making of the shopping, going to the cinema, the lira books and having a practice regularly of the sport (tennis, swimming…)
But I have a big defect…I am very greedy!
In fact, I like cooking and pleasing the persons who I love !So my objective is to create a real link with the family.
For me to be an au pair girl it is the luck which I do not want to miss!
I wish to be au pair because it is an opportunity to create an exchange and to discover another country. It is also the opportunity for me to perfect my English.
Indeed I hope by coming back from this journey to be able to speak English usually to exercise afterward the profession by commercial export.
So once brought in in France I would welcome with the biggest enjoyment my family (can you be?) in France to make you discover my magnificent country.
Then do not hesitate to contact me, I would answer you with the biggest pleasure !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 09-07-2009 06:32
Réponse: Correction/au pair de brettdallen, postée le 09-07-2009 à 00:52:03 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Je ne vais signaler que ce qui ne va pas du tout.
Dear Family(vous adapterez, bien évidemment...),
If I am here today it is because I look for(j'aurais choisi du "Be+-ing") a welcoming and pleasant family which will
I appear...? (ce n'est pas compréhensible)
My name is .., I am 21 years old and I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. (19, 28 and 32 years(+ "old")). I lived(pourquoi au passé?) in .., it is a beautiful city situated in the West of France.
I have
I realized(mauvais choix) him(mauvais pronom) in alternation in a company which markets mattresses with water(je m'interroge... "water bed"?).(la phrase pourrait et devrait être reconstruite: "During the school year I had courses combined with a work experience in a company marketing...", par exemple)
I and the children(mal tourné)
I am
I have a very good contact with the children and I like realizing(choisissez un autre verbe) diverse(choisissez un autre adjectif) activities with them as for example
Then? I am ready to spoil(le terme peut-être perçu négativement) your children!
La suite arrive...
Réponse: Correction/au pair de brettdallen, postée le 09-07-2009 à 01:13:52 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Voici donc la suite...
My hobbies
I(après "Above all") above all like travelling to meet new persons("people") and discover the other(choisissez le possessif correspondant) cultures.
Moreover I leave( en "Be+-ing") soon for Tunisia for two weeks of(mauvaise préposition) holidays to the inhabitant(you mean "I'll be staying with local people in their own homes"? am I right?).
Furthermore, I like
But I have a big defect("little fault")…I am very greedy("fond of food")! In fact, I like cooking and pleasing the persons("people")
So my objective is to create a real link with the family.
For me to be an au pair girl
I wish to be(an) au pair because it is an opportunity to create an exchange and to discover another country. It is also the opportunity for me to perfect my English.
Indeed I hope by coming back from this journey("stay"?) to be able to speak English
So once brought in in France I would welcome with the biggest enjoyment my family (can you be?)? in France to make you discover my magnificent country.
Then do not hesitate to contact me, I would answer you with the biggest pleasure
!
La fin est un peu confuse et peut donner l'impression que vous vouliez vous débarrasser de ce courrier un peu compliqué. De plus, comme dit précédemment, vous mettez trop en avant les avantages que pourraient vous procurer ce long séjour. N'oubliez pas que vous vous adressez à des employeurs, des personnes qui s'intéressent donc à ce que, moyennant finance, vous pourriez leur apporter.
Je n'ai pas tout corrigé, je le répète(en particulier la fin), je vous laisse le soin de corriger et de revoir l'ensemble en fonction de mes indications. D'autres viendront à la rescousse.
Bonne chance.
