Expression écrite/Correction

Expression écrite/Correction
Message de jules2 posté le 31-12-2018 à 19:04:06 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
J'ai une murder story à faire, et je souhaiterais une correction de la scène d'exposition de mon devoir,
merci d'avance pour l'aide apportée.

The corridor was dark. Drops of water were talking somwhere in the basements. By walking in this place we could only feel the perfume of the hot sulphur, guiding us to a dark room, where the only source of light was a candle, that in spite of the abyssal black of the room, managed to give the limits of what appeard to be a cellar. At the same time as we rushed into the cellar, the smell of sulphur was replaced by a strong smell of ammonia, characteristic of the stage of putrefaction of a body. The cellar was completely empty, there was nothing but the darkness and this nauseating perfume. And rising from the shadows, she appeard, naked and stretched out. Her two pallid eyes were looking straight ahead, with a suplicating air. We could see life frozen in her eyes. Her features were fixed in pure dread.
Even so, she was smiling.
She had been waiting for a long time,here, in the dark. Hands tied. Pallid eyes. And two gaping holes instead of legs.

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Modifié par lucile83 le 31-12-2018 21:30

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Réponse : Expression écrite/Correction de vaiana, postée le 31-12-2018 à 20:00:27 (S | E)
Wait for another correction!!

The corridor was dark. Drops of water were talking somewhere in the basements. By walking in this place we could only feel the perfume of the hot sulphur guiding us to a dark room where the only source of light was a candle, that in spite of the abyssal black of the room, managed to give the limits of what appeard to be a cellar. At the same time as we rushed into the cellar, the smell of sulphur was replaced by a strong smell of ammonia, characteristic of the stage of putrefaction of a body. The cellar was completely empty, there was nothing but the darkness and this nauseating perfume. And rising from the shadows, she appeard, naked and stretched out. Her two pallid eyes were looking straight ahead, with a suplicating air. We could see life frozen in her eyes. Her features were fixed in pure dread.
Even so, she was smiling.
She had been waiting for a long time,here, in the dark. Hands tied. Pallid eyes. And two gaping holes instead of legs.

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Réponse : Expression écrite/Correction de kazwell, postée le 31-12-2018 à 20:17:25 (S | E)
Hi,

Thanks jules92, now I really want to see drops of water talk
The corridor was dark. Drops of water were talking somwhere in the basements. By walking in this place we could only feelthe perfume of the hot sulphur, guiding us to a dark room, where the only source of light was a candle, that(,) in spite of the abyssal black of the room, managed to give (out)the limits of what appeard to be a cellar. At the same time as we rushed into the cellar, the smell of sulphur was replaced by a strong smell of ammonia, characteristic of the stage of putrefaction of a body. The cellar was completely empty, there was nothing but the darkness and this nauseating perfume. And rising from the shadows, she appeard, naked and stretched out. Her two pallid eyes were looking straight ahead, with a suplicatingair. We could see life frozen in her eyes. Her features were fixed in pure dread.
Even so, she was smiling.
She had been waiting for a long time,here, in the dark. Hands tied. Pallid eyes. And two gaping holes instead of legs.

Murder story? more like horror story, poor woman .
En bleu phrases erroné/faux
En vert changement de vocabulaire ou d'expressions nécessaire, par exemple : you can't "feel" an odor, you smell it, and it's a smell not a "perfume"; les phrases sont grammaticalement correct mais tu peux beaucoup mieux faire.
() : suggestions
Barré : Inutile, car le "as" veux dire "en même temps".

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Réponse : Expression écrite/Correction de here4u, postée le 01-01-2019 à 12:12:11 (S | E)
Hello!

The corridor was dark. Drops of water were talking somwhere in the basements( not clear). (By) walking in this place we could only feel the perfume of the hot sulphur, guiding us to a dark room, where the only source of light was a candle, that in spite of the abyssal black of the room, managed to give the limits of what appeard to be a cellar. At the same time as we rushed into the cellar, the smell of sulphur was replaced by a strong smell of ammonia, characteristic of the stage of putrefaction of a body. The cellar was completely empty, there was nothing but the darkness and this nauseating perfume. And rising from the shadows, she appeard, naked and stretched out. Her two pallid eyes were looking straight ahead, with a suplicating air. We could see life frozen in her eyes. Her features were fixed in pure dread.
Even so, she was smiling.
She had been waiting for a long time, here, in the dark. Hands tied. Pallid eyes. And two gaping holes instead of legs.

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Réponse : Expression écrite/Correction de jules2, postée le 01-01-2019 à 14:15:25 (S | E)
Merci de vos réponses, je m'excuse pour ma correction automatique qui a trouvé le moyen de remplacer ''falling'' par ''talking''
Voici donc ma correction :

The corridor was dark. Drops of water were falling somewhere in the basements. By walking in this place we could only smell the hot sulphur, guiding us to a dark room, where the only source of light was a candle, that in spite of the abyssal black (auriez vous des synonymes pour exprimer cette idée ? ) of the room, managed to give the limits of what appeared to be a cellar. As we rushed into the cellar, the smell of sulphur was replaced by a strong smell of ammonia, characteristic of the stage of putrefaction of a body. The cellar was completely empty, there was nothing but the darkness and this nauseating smell. And rising from the shadows, she appeared, naked and outstretched on the ground. Her two pallid eyes were looking straight ahead, with a frightened air. We could see life frozen in her eyes. Her features were fixed in pure dread. (Je n'ai pas d'idée de changement de vocabulaire pour ces deux phrases, ci-dessus)
Even so, she was smiling.
She had been waiting for a long time, here, in the dark.
Hands tied.
Pallid eyes.
And two gaping holes instead of legs.

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